rollercoaster
that’s what life is like at the moment. i was doing so, so well yesterday and this morning. so so well. i didn’t break down once (unlike monday, which was not such a good day….).
one of the girls at work very excitedly told me that a staff member in our UK office is 3 months pregnant. 3 months…. i know she didn’t even think about it. i know she doesn’t understand what its like to be in my shoes. but my heart…my heart felt like it was torn all over again.
this was not meant to be this way!!!!!!!!!!!!! life wasn’t meant to be like THIS!!!!!
i should be happy for the other girl. i work so well with her, so closely (despite being on opposite side of the world…) and i AM happy for her but i’m in pieces. it feels like my breath was knocked out of me. i thought i could go a day without feeling that a piece of me was missing, never to return again. i want my baby back. i want my walnut back. i want to be pregnant again. i don’t want to be this jealous, broken being anymore.
3 months…. we should be comparing stories…i was going to tell everyone 2 weeks ago…i should be sitting here at my desk being excited to know this girl is same as me. we’d probably be due within a few days of each other…
now… what do i do? how do i put myself back together. i don’t want to be jealous of her. i dont. but i can’t help it.
why me?? why us?? we wanted this little walnut of ours. we wanted a pink, screaming baby. we wanted a heartbeat.
i miss my little walnut. i miss touching my tummy in the shower, telling walnut to behave and not make me too sick before work. i miss picturing myself with a pram. i miss the part of my soul, my being that’s now forever gone.
