On Saturday night we went to a bday get-together at a friend of mines. One of the girls there was a good friend of mine (lets call her CM) and in December, I’m going to be one of her bridesmaids. Very happy for her and for her partner.
Anyways, meeting up with CM left me with a somewhat bitter taste in my mouth. She has a stepmother who is rather disagreeble. or in othe words, there is no love lost there. Tthe stepmother has been in CM’s life for over a decade.
From that conversation, something began to niggle. What sort of stepmother will *i* be for the boys? What will they think of me in the future, once they are a bit older? Will i be seen as the one the ‘stole’ their dad, or the one that was their friend and dad’s new partner?
I dont think there are any easy answers. I dont have kids of my own, so i’m quite aware that as much as I love these boys, the love that their mum and dad have for them is much deeper, more profound that what i will ever have for them. I wasn’t there for their first steps, for their first words.
I’d love to say that I’m never frustrated. That I never feel like I’m out of the loop. That I never want to just sit on the couch and watch what I want on the telly.
The fact is, sometimes I’m overwhelmed. I didn’t have 9 months to prepare myself to become a parent. I don’t know all the facts and figures.
But I love the boys. I love it when they come to me with questions, be it with homework or just everyday, small things. I love it when the little one runs up to me with arms wide open and screaming my name. I love it when he comes over just for a cuddle and a kiss and tells me that he missed me. I love it that I have corrupted him with girly music and books!! I love when he wants to snuggle up in bed (bad habit, I know).
I notice the way people look at me when I’m out with the little one. I feel the stares of being ‘young mother’. I see people openly stare when I’m out with the little one and one of the older boys. I love watching people try to figure out the family dynamic.
The thing is, I don’t know if I’d feel this strongly about my partner if he didn’t have the boys. I don’t know whether we would have developed this bond, this love. Love is never straightforward, never simple. So this is us trying live our life. Flawed yes, but still ours.
Ramdom Ramblings of a Confused Mind 