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Archive for the ‘About us’ Category

today

today is fathers day. weeks ago i thought how special today would be for us. i have 3 stepsons, so fathers day is very important. this year, we were going to have an extra special one…

but there were other plans in store for us i guess…

woke up early and boys helped me to cook breakfast for DP… i think he got rather watery bacon and eggs this morning. i wept. i couldn’t help it. i just wept and cooked. i’m angry. i’m hurt and half the time i want the world to stop. why didn’t it stop on 28th??? why?? why were people still happy, still smiling while we sat in the car after the ultrasound, weeping?

i just want answers. how do we move on? last weekend was a blur. youngest one turned 5 and we had to concentrate on him. on giving him a good a party… i just wanted to scream. a few days ago, he sat down next to me, patted my tummy and said ‘good baby, cute baby’…..

fck!!!!!!!!!

i broke down. literally broke down. we haven’t told him yet… how do you tell a 5 year old that the baby died????

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WHY?????????

i read and i cry. my last post… 9 weeks. huh. its been so, so long. almost a month and my life, our life, just seemed to stop.

life was good. really, my belly was growing and we were so excited. on friday, 28 August we had out 12 week ultrasound…

i still cry. its only been a week. i want to scream. i want to curse and shout and break things.

our little bub, our little walnut died. died and i didn’t even know that. me, the mum, didnt know that the bub died. i feel like i failed.

i had d/c on thursday and its still all a blur. why? why us? why? was it something i ate? something i did?? why? why? why? why?????????

my DP has been nothing but utterly, utterly strong, and good and just unbelievable. he held me, he cried with me, he helped me after my d/c, he didn’t make a big deal when my bleeding started after the surgery. he is my world right now.

there were no signs at all. no bleeding, no cramps. we went for our first ultrasound, to hear the heartbeat and we came out hollow. we came out of it being nearly destroyed.

i feel like apart from DP, no one understands. i’m the first out of my friends to get pregnant, apart from only a small handful no one knew/knows about it….

i miss being pregnant. i miss knowing my belly was growing.

i look at pregnant women and i just cry. i look at babies and i want to cry. i cry. why not me? what did i do???? why not me???? why not us??? why??????

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9??

Where did the time go? I became so busy I stopped blogging, which is a real shame. Morning sickness has well and truly set in, but its not as bad as it could’ve been. Just feeling yuck if I go for too long without food. The feeling is not just in the morning! It can strike at any time of the day. No one told me that when I signed up for this gig 😀

My partner (lets call him DP from now on) had an interesting phone call on Friday.  A friend of ours is very much into spiritual things, soul healing and all that jazz. We haven’t seen or spoken to her in months. I think it would be April since we had any contact with her.

Anyway, apparently she had an urge to call DP. She felt she had to talk to him. After a few minutes she asked him outright if I was pregnant. DP said yes etc and this friend proceeded to talk about whether its going to be a girl or a boy. She said that she has a strong sense that its both… boy and girl. That its twins!!!!

Going back to my GP tomorrow to see how if we can schedule an ultrasound over the next few weeks. Already have an appointment at the maternal services, which is so scary and so exciting!! Still in shock that I’m pregnant. On Saturday I actually bought yet ANOTHER pregnancy test… I think its 5 all up. I think when I finally get the blood tests results, it will make it all real for me.

I’m trying not to stress about the money. Its going to be hard. I love DP but money handling is not his strength. We’ll just have to work something out for 6 months…

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Today I used one of those calculators to see just how pregnant I am. Very technical terminology used here, I know.

It appers as though I’m 5 weeks pregnant. 5!!! Its alsmost halfway through the 1st trimester and I cannot be anything but stunned. From a young age I was told that IVF would be my only option and so now, after all the positive tests (I might stop buying them at some stage), I’m fairly sure that I am!!

I’m pregnant. That still hasn’t sunk in yet.

I’m worried about bout the boys. I’m worried about money. I’m worried about my job. But I’m so happy that I can’t help but grin all day.

I’m trying not to stress too much about things I can’t control. I know I will be judged by people who at the moment feel they have the right to comment on my family: my partner and the boys. The more I look at them though, the more I realise that I don’t actually care. I don’t.

I figure, my family and friends will stand by me, others…. well, others I don’t give a flying fuck about.

I now spend my time on the internet, looking up info and other blogs 🙂

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My poor boy is upset. The almost 5yo is growing up too fast. The way he talks, the way he behaves. Its so cute but so fascinating to watch this little boy developing into a ‘big boy’. Very privileged to have the opportunity to observe this development.

I also find it fascinating how people have different parenting styles or how my friends, none of whom have kids yet, view children. Fascinating human behaviour.

We were over at a friends house a few weeks ago. They are a young couple looking to start a family soon. The funny thing is, they live in the most impractical house you can possibly imagine. Expensive, massive house that would be perfect for a couple with older kids, but for a young couple, impractical.

I think my experience with the boys, especially the younger one, has taught me to just relax and chill out about small things. Mess is a mess is a mess. No biggie. Kids will be kids. I’ve always had this attitude before I met my partner that *MY* kids would be well behaved. Never swear, never create a mess, never touch couch with dirty hands and never ever be anything but perfect little angels.

HA!

I think what I learnt is that being fun police is no fun at all. I’d rather boys play than sit still. Yes, they still have to clean up their mess and do chores etc, but I think I didn’t realise the importance of having fun and mucking around till just recently.

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today

first ever blog post. my god im such a technophobe. i’ll try to figure out how to upload background etc at some stage… readdy, a complete begginer here!

i was inspired by other bloggers who have the courage to share their stories and their inspirations with the rest of the world.

for me, i need an outlet, somewhere to put my thoughts down on ‘paper’.

my story pales in comparison to others i have read, including this one http://www.mattlogelin.com/.

i’m 28, living in sometimes sunny melbourne, australia and just enjoying life. i recently bought a house that looked like a bit of a dump to begin with.

before the renovations...

Looks great, huh?

Well with some help from very dear friends and family, but most of all, from my partner, the house looks much much better now (no photos for some reason… must rectify that ASAP).

So, we live in this house, with our dog, lily , who is a bit of a mutt and a cross of everything and anything. Some days/night’s we also have my partner’s boys (3!!) stay over.

oh the carefree life!! bones and toys....

oh the carefree life!! bones and toys....

And so i think this is what the blog is all about. The transition from a carefree 27 year old, into the role of a partner/fiance, home owner, but mainly, that of a step mum.

I dont have any horror stories. Yet 😀

The boys a brilliant. I’m sure my love for them pales in comparison to that of their flesh and blood parents, but i love these boys with all my hear. Or at least, as much as you can love 2 teenage boys going through puberty. The other one, is soon to be 5, so challenges there are a whole lot different.

The road, or more like a journey that our little weird family is on is not easy. Different backgrounds and experiences can look and feel completely alien. But somehow we try to make it work. Love conquers all, some say. May be it does, but for over a year now, we’re taking it one day at a time. Still learning about each other. Still falling in love. Still driving each other mad.

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