Archive for the ‘Family’ Category


today is fathers day. weeks ago i thought how special today would be for us. i have 3 stepsons, so fathers day is very important. this year, we were going to have an extra special one…

but there were other plans in store for us i guess…

woke up early and boys helped me to cook breakfast for DP… i think he got rather watery bacon and eggs this morning. i wept. i couldn’t help it. i just wept and cooked. i’m angry. i’m hurt and half the time i want the world to stop. why didn’t it stop on 28th??? why?? why were people still happy, still smiling while we sat in the car after the ultrasound, weeping?

i just want answers. how do we move on? last weekend was a blur. youngest one turned 5 and we had to concentrate on him. on giving him a good a party… i just wanted to scream. a few days ago, he sat down next to me, patted my tummy and said ‘good baby, cute baby’…..


i broke down. literally broke down. we haven’t told him yet… how do you tell a 5 year old that the baby died????


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i read and i cry. my last post… 9 weeks. huh. its been so, so long. almost a month and my life, our life, just seemed to stop.

life was good. really, my belly was growing and we were so excited. on friday, 28 August we had out 12 week ultrasound…

i still cry. its only been a week. i want to scream. i want to curse and shout and break things.

our little bub, our little walnut died. died and i didn’t even know that. me, the mum, didnt know that the bub died. i feel like i failed.

i had d/c on thursday and its still all a blur. why? why us? why? was it something i ate? something i did?? why? why? why? why?????????

my DP has been nothing but utterly, utterly strong, and good and just unbelievable. he held me, he cried with me, he helped me after my d/c, he didn’t make a big deal when my bleeding started after the surgery. he is my world right now.

there were no signs at all. no bleeding, no cramps. we went for our first ultrasound, to hear the heartbeat and we came out hollow. we came out of it being nearly destroyed.

i feel like apart from DP, no one understands. i’m the first out of my friends to get pregnant, apart from only a small handful no one knew/knows about it….

i miss being pregnant. i miss knowing my belly was growing.

i look at pregnant women and i just cry. i look at babies and i want to cry. i cry. why not me? what did i do???? why not me???? why not us??? why??????

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Where did the time go? I became so busy I stopped blogging, which is a real shame. Morning sickness has well and truly set in, but its not as bad as it could’ve been. Just feeling yuck if I go for too long without food. The feeling is not just in the morning! It can strike at any time of the day. No one told me that when I signed up for this gig 😀

My partner (lets call him DP from now on) had an interesting phone call on Friday.  A friend of ours is very much into spiritual things, soul healing and all that jazz. We haven’t seen or spoken to her in months. I think it would be April since we had any contact with her.

Anyway, apparently she had an urge to call DP. She felt she had to talk to him. After a few minutes she asked him outright if I was pregnant. DP said yes etc and this friend proceeded to talk about whether its going to be a girl or a boy. She said that she has a strong sense that its both… boy and girl. That its twins!!!!

Going back to my GP tomorrow to see how if we can schedule an ultrasound over the next few weeks. Already have an appointment at the maternal services, which is so scary and so exciting!! Still in shock that I’m pregnant. On Saturday I actually bought yet ANOTHER pregnancy test… I think its 5 all up. I think when I finally get the blood tests results, it will make it all real for me.

I’m trying not to stress about the money. Its going to be hard. I love DP but money handling is not his strength. We’ll just have to work something out for 6 months…

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7 weeks

7 weeks

I’m still in utter shock. 7!

I don’t know when the shock will wear off. May be during my 1st appointment at the hospital? I honestly don’t know.

On Sunday, following all the excitement with my dear boy, we went over to my folks place to tell them the good news.

I didn’t really know what to expect but the love and care they showed and continue to show, has been pretty awesome!

I can’t help but go online and have a sneak peak into various forums but I’m worried about being overwhelmed with information, with stories of miscarriage and still births and I get emotional. I cry and I can’t stop myself. I look how courageous some people are and I don’t know how I would cope.

People have tried to tell me stories about their births, how they tore from here to there. How they screamed and begged. How much pain they were in.

I’ve started to tell people off. Its MY birth and it will be how I want it to be. I don’t want poeple to freak me out. Its a special time and I need to prepare myself and my body.

My Boy told me that my mother and prob my mother in law will be there to ‘support’ me and I said… NO.




My birth. My plan. My way. I’m only 7 weeks but I know I only want my partner and the midwife there. No one else. Parents can come and see the baby after its born. My birth. My way.

I know he doesn’t understand, but again, he doesn’t need to. My birth. My way.

I was told ‘you’ll be naked for all to see’ and that made me really quite upset. I’m shy with my body and I honestly hate being told that when you’re in labour, you don’t care. I will. I know myself. It freaks me out.

I think when it comes to labour and birth, I’m going to just stick my fingers in my ears and sing.

I want support. I want encouragement. I don’t want to get freaked out by tears and pooping in front of all your relations!!

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On Friday at 12.30am my world nearly stopped. The words ‘Babe, I think I need to go to the hospital’ still make me shudder.

Its hard to explain what happened. One minute the Boy was fine, the next….the next…. the next his head felt like it was going to explode, he couldn’t see properly and his leg was jerking so violently he was in agony.

I did what I had to do. I called ambos, I packed his bag, I found his wallet and I just held him. He had no colour. He wasn’t breathing right. A thought crossed my mind that I will loose him. That I’m 6 weeks pregnant and I will loose him.

He had a CT scan of his brain, a CT angio and a lumbar puncture. I held it all pretty well together till after the lumbar puncture. He did so well, even if he was pretty much out of it. Until….

Until it was almost over when his vital plummeted and he quietly muttered to me ‘i dont feel so good’. He lost all colour. The heart rate when down to 35 and pulse ox to 82. I held it together.

I held it together till he was back with us. Till he was back to snoozing happily. When I sat down in my chair and just wept. I was scared and so very tired. But the moment passed and I was back looking after my boy, father of this little being growing inside of me.

He’ll be ok. Will have more tests today. We’ll get through this together.

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Today I used one of those calculators to see just how pregnant I am. Very technical terminology used here, I know.

It appers as though I’m 5 weeks pregnant. 5!!! Its alsmost halfway through the 1st trimester and I cannot be anything but stunned. From a young age I was told that IVF would be my only option and so now, after all the positive tests (I might stop buying them at some stage), I’m fairly sure that I am!!

I’m pregnant. That still hasn’t sunk in yet.

I’m worried about bout the boys. I’m worried about money. I’m worried about my job. But I’m so happy that I can’t help but grin all day.

I’m trying not to stress too much about things I can’t control. I know I will be judged by people who at the moment feel they have the right to comment on my family: my partner and the boys. The more I look at them though, the more I realise that I don’t actually care. I don’t.

I figure, my family and friends will stand by me, others…. well, others I don’t give a flying fuck about.

I now spend my time on the internet, looking up info and other blogs 🙂

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That’s the questions that we’re trying to figure out. After 2 pregnancy positive pregnancy tests we’re pretty sure that I am!!!!!!!

Going to make an appointment to seemy GP next week but this is all a bit surreal to me. I cannot believe it. Since I was 16, I was told that the only way that I would get pregnant, would be via IVF, and that’s if I’m lucky enough to be able to afford IVF…

Well, at the moment with 2 positive tests I’m slightly optemistic….

Questions, questions and more questions is all that I have at the moment. We are stoked. Just so happy. Jim and boys are stoked. Youngest one wants a a baby sister and the other ones want a little brother.

All I can say, is that I’m so happy and excited to start a new chapter for our little, weird family.

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