Archive for the ‘news’ Category


i read and i cry. my last post… 9 weeks. huh. its been so, so long. almost a month and my life, our life, just seemed to stop.

life was good. really, my belly was growing and we were so excited. on friday, 28 August we had out 12 week ultrasound…

i still cry. its only been a week. i want to scream. i want to curse and shout and break things.

our little bub, our little walnut died. died and i didn’t even know that. me, the mum, didnt know that the bub died. i feel like i failed.

i had d/c on thursday and its still all a blur. why? why us? why? was it something i ate? something i did?? why? why? why? why?????????

my DP has been nothing but utterly, utterly strong, and good and just unbelievable. he held me, he cried with me, he helped me after my d/c, he didn’t make a big deal when my bleeding started after the surgery. he is my world right now.

there were no signs at all. no bleeding, no cramps. we went for our first ultrasound, to hear the heartbeat and we came out hollow. we came out of it being nearly destroyed.

i feel like apart from DP, no one understands. i’m the first out of my friends to get pregnant, apart from only a small handful no one knew/knows about it….

i miss being pregnant. i miss knowing my belly was growing.

i look at pregnant women and i just cry. i look at babies and i want to cry. i cry. why not me? what did i do???? why not me???? why not us??? why??????


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What makes a coward?

That’s what has been on my mind today. What makes a coward. I don’t know, but to me, this does it. Twenty six year old man beat a two year old child so badly, the toddler is in a coma.

My hands shake as I’m typing. I can’t express full anger and shock. I look at the youngest one of my soon to be stepsons and I want to cry.

He’s almost five.

His fingers and toes are tiny.

His hair is soft and smells wonderful.

His laugh is infectious.

He loves to be tickled.

He loves to muck around.

He loves hugs.

He is an angel for 12 hours of the day.

He is a little hellion for the other 12 hours.

So I ask, how a father can raise a hand against his child? I can’t imagine what this little girl went through. The sheer terror, the pain makes me cry all over again. I don’t understand. Twenty six years old, weighing what, 75-80 kgs versus what, 15-18kg?

Something in me screams for revenge. For blood. I want this monster, and those just like him (male or female) to pay. There are people out there to whom a child would be a miracle, a gift straight from the Heavens. Instead to him, it was a punching bag.

I pray this child, this innocent, tiny child survives and has a good quality of life. I pray that she will be taken care of, she will be loved and cherished.

I will write more a bit later… Its all a bit raw at the moment.

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