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Life…

It gets so busy and frantic that I’ve neglected this blog, my thoughts for so so long.

My thoughts have been confused and clouded at times. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m down down down.

I’m finishing up work on 21 May. I will be unemployed. I’m scared shitless. Really fcking scared.

I just want to get out of this place. I feel stupid and overwhelmed. I lost all self-confidence and I don’t know how to get it back.

I want to work, do my job well and go home to my family. That’s all. I used to have grand ambitions, but now I just want to work and go home on time.

Pretty pathetic, I know….

I hate how stupid I feel. I just want a bit of a pick me up with a new job. I want to do well. I want to love my job.

It cant be THAT hard, now can it???

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Today I used one of those calculators to see just how pregnant I am. Very technical terminology used here, I know.

It appers as though I’m 5 weeks pregnant. 5!!! Its alsmost halfway through the 1st trimester and I cannot be anything but stunned. From a young age I was told that IVF would be my only option and so now, after all the positive tests (I might stop buying them at some stage), I’m fairly sure that I am!!

I’m pregnant. That still hasn’t sunk in yet.

I’m worried about bout the boys. I’m worried about money. I’m worried about my job. But I’m so happy that I can’t help but grin all day.

I’m trying not to stress too much about things I can’t control. I know I will be judged by people who at the moment feel they have the right to comment on my family: my partner and the boys. The more I look at them though, the more I realise that I don’t actually care. I don’t.

I figure, my family and friends will stand by me, others…. well, others I don’t give a flying fuck about.

I now spend my time on the internet, looking up info and other blogs đŸ™‚

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That’s the questions that we’re trying to figure out. After 2 pregnancy positive pregnancy tests we’re pretty sure that I am!!!!!!!

Going to make an appointment to seemy GP next week but this is all a bit surreal to me. I cannot believe it. Since I was 16, I was told that the only way that I would get pregnant, would be via IVF, and that’s if I’m lucky enough to be able to afford IVF…

Well, at the moment with 2 positive tests I’m slightly optemistic….

Questions, questions and more questions is all that I have at the moment. We are stoked. Just so happy. Jim and boys are stoked. Youngest one wants a a baby sister and the other ones want a little brother.

All I can say, is that I’m so happy and excited to start a new chapter for our little, weird family.

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My poor boy is upset. The almost 5yo is growing up too fast. The way he talks, the way he behaves. Its so cute but so fascinating to watch this little boy developing into a ‘big boy’. Very privileged to have the opportunity to observe this development.

I also find it fascinating how people have different parenting styles or how my friends, none of whom have kids yet, view children. Fascinating human behaviour.

We were over at a friends house a few weeks ago. They are a young couple looking to start a family soon. The funny thing is, they live in the most impractical house you can possibly imagine. Expensive, massive house that would be perfect for a couple with older kids, but for a young couple, impractical.

I think my experience with the boys, especially the younger one, has taught me to just relax and chill out about small things. Mess is a mess is a mess. No biggie. Kids will be kids. I’ve always had this attitude before I met my partner that *MY* kids would be well behaved. Never swear, never create a mess, never touch couch with dirty hands and never ever be anything but perfect little angels.

HA!

I think what I learnt is that being fun police is no fun at all. I’d rather boys play than sit still. Yes, they still have to clean up their mess and do chores etc, but I think I didn’t realise the importance of having fun and mucking around till just recently.

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