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Posts Tagged ‘loss’

today

today is fathers day. weeks ago i thought how special today would be for us. i have 3 stepsons, so fathers day is very important. this year, we were going to have an extra special one…

but there were other plans in store for us i guess…

woke up early and boys helped me to cook breakfast for DP… i think he got rather watery bacon and eggs this morning. i wept. i couldn’t help it. i just wept and cooked. i’m angry. i’m hurt and half the time i want the world to stop. why didn’t it stop on 28th??? why?? why were people still happy, still smiling while we sat in the car after the ultrasound, weeping?

i just want answers. how do we move on? last weekend was a blur. youngest one turned 5 and we had to concentrate on him. on giving him a good a party… i just wanted to scream. a few days ago, he sat down next to me, patted my tummy and said ‘good baby, cute baby’…..

fck!!!!!!!!!

i broke down. literally broke down. we haven’t told him yet… how do you tell a 5 year old that the baby died????

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WHY?????????

i read and i cry. my last post… 9 weeks. huh. its been so, so long. almost a month and my life, our life, just seemed to stop.

life was good. really, my belly was growing and we were so excited. on friday, 28 August we had out 12 week ultrasound…

i still cry. its only been a week. i want to scream. i want to curse and shout and break things.

our little bub, our little walnut died. died and i didn’t even know that. me, the mum, didnt know that the bub died. i feel like i failed.

i had d/c on thursday and its still all a blur. why? why us? why? was it something i ate? something i did?? why? why? why? why?????????

my DP has been nothing but utterly, utterly strong, and good and just unbelievable. he held me, he cried with me, he helped me after my d/c, he didn’t make a big deal when my bleeding started after the surgery. he is my world right now.

there were no signs at all. no bleeding, no cramps. we went for our first ultrasound, to hear the heartbeat and we came out hollow. we came out of it being nearly destroyed.

i feel like apart from DP, no one understands. i’m the first out of my friends to get pregnant, apart from only a small handful no one knew/knows about it….

i miss being pregnant. i miss knowing my belly was growing.

i look at pregnant women and i just cry. i look at babies and i want to cry. i cry. why not me? what did i do???? why not me???? why not us??? why??????

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