whats new pussycat?

Life…

It gets so busy and frantic that I’ve neglected this blog, my thoughts for so so long.

My thoughts have been confused and clouded at times. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m down down down.

I’m finishing up work on 21 May. I will be unemployed. I’m scared shitless. Really fcking scared.

I just want to get out of this place. I feel stupid and overwhelmed. I lost all self-confidence and I don’t know how to get it back.

I want to work, do my job well and go home to my family. That’s all. I used to have grand ambitions, but now I just want to work and go home on time.

Pretty pathetic, I know….

I hate how stupid I feel. I just want a bit of a pick me up with a new job. I want to do well. I want to love my job.

It cant be THAT hard, now can it???

friends

Friends are funny, funny people. At least that’s what I think anyhow.

My most dear friends, MM, has been wonderful. Not pushing, not prying, but she’s just there, supporting me when I need her.

But others… others ran away. Pretended nothing happened. Some never even asked ‘hey, how’re you?’. Even when I first started to come back to ‘life’ after loosing my little walnut. Nothing was said. Nothing is being said.  Pretending it never happened, pretending I’m still the same must be easier for people.

I don’t want attention, but you know, sometimes a kind word really does help. Sometimes all I need to hear is just a sliver of compassion to put myself back together. The hurt, it’s so raw, so utterly painful. No booklets, no handouts, no doctors or nurses ever mentioned the sheer pain of miscarriage. The ache is right there, right under the surface. All it takes is a small scratch to open up the wound. I try to bandage up that wound before it open up. I don’t know if I can cope with it otherwise. I cannot describe the  pain. It’s the sheer weight on your heart and soul. You can’t take a breath, that’s how much it hurts.

All I want sometimes is just a word, a gesture, a hug.

I like silence now. I get tired pretending I’m ok. That’s what people want to see and kind of expect to see. Its been a month now. One whole month. We survived, minus a few friends. I’m still broken. I’m still hurting. I just want human contact. I’m not contagious.

I’m not the same as I was a month ago. I changed and grew and grieved like never before. I just want people to know that I’m still here. I still want their contact… but it’s probably too much for some.

rollercoaster

rollercoaster

that’s what life is like at the moment. i was doing so, so well yesterday and this morning. so so well. i didn’t break down once (unlike monday, which was not such a good day….).

one of the girls at work very excitedly told me that a staff member in our UK office is 3 months pregnant. 3 months…. i know she didn’t even think about it. i know she doesn’t understand what its like to be in my shoes. but my heart…my heart felt like it was torn all over again.

this was not meant to be this way!!!!!!!!!!!!! life wasn’t meant to be like THIS!!!!!

i should be happy for the other girl. i work so well with her, so closely (despite being on opposite side of the world…) and i AM happy for her but i’m in pieces. it feels like my breath was knocked out of me. i thought i could go a day without feeling that a piece of me was missing, never to return again. i want my baby back. i want my walnut back. i want to be pregnant again. i don’t want to be this jealous, broken being anymore.

3 months…. we should be comparing stories…i was going to tell everyone 2 weeks ago…i should be sitting here at my desk being excited to know this girl is same as me. we’d probably be due within a few days of each other…

now… what do i do? how do i put myself back together. i don’t want to be jealous of her. i dont. but i can’t help it.

why me?? why us?? we wanted this little walnut of ours. we wanted a pink, screaming baby. we wanted a heartbeat.

i miss my little walnut. i miss touching my tummy in the shower, telling walnut to behave and not make me too sick before work. i miss picturing myself with a pram. i miss the part of my soul, my being that’s now forever gone.

silence

i dont talk much about that friday afternoon when our world shattered into pieces. i don’t know what to say…

DP and I went in together to hear the heartbeat… within minutes we were broken. We were just…..I don’t know…. we were nothing.

I remember sitting on the curb, beside the car and i weeping. I don’t remember much apart from sitting on that curb, looking around and thinking that this wasn’t real. this isn’t happening. DP was slumped in the passenger seat also crying and I looked around and saw that we were parked outside the hairdressers.

I couldn’t understand how people could be getting their hair done and sitting there laughing when OUR world just shattered. When we were left so broken, so alone. I was (and still am) amazed that the sky didn’t fall….

But the thing that I remember the most, was just sheer silence. It lasted for days. My world was ‘mute’. It was surreal. It was oppressing. It was actually scary.

I go online… I look at people who have been through so much, like matt and heather and mike and I know what I’m going through is just a drop in the ocean… and i feel stupid…

14 days…….

14 days..

thats how long its been since we found out… 14 days… a lifetime it seems…

back at work, back doing normal things, but still, life seemed to fracture. things don’t make sense anymore to me…

we went to do some shopping last night. nothing major and walked into K-mart to have a look at a few things… we walked past baby stuff, past strollers, past maternity clothes and i almost lost it. i looked at those prams and my heart ached….

i feel like humpty dumpty… all fractured and broke.

like goes on… we still have to get up in the morning and put on a happy face because that’s what people want to see. they don’t want to see me in tears looking at pregnant women and looking jealously at their bulging tummies.

i feel so selfish too. my best friend’s mum is battling breast cancer and here i am loosing it over a pram. she’s battling for her life and i cry at small things…

i’ve been told just how ‘common’ miscarriage is. well, bloody hell, it still hurts like hell. i’m still angry and hurt and some days, i just want to curl up and cry. i miss being pregnant. i miss knowing i was going to be a mummy. i miss my little walnut. in my heart i know it was a girl. i can feel it. i know it. my little walnut. my little precious bub. gods, how i miss you. please take care up there.

today

today is fathers day. weeks ago i thought how special today would be for us. i have 3 stepsons, so fathers day is very important. this year, we were going to have an extra special one…

but there were other plans in store for us i guess…

woke up early and boys helped me to cook breakfast for DP… i think he got rather watery bacon and eggs this morning. i wept. i couldn’t help it. i just wept and cooked. i’m angry. i’m hurt and half the time i want the world to stop. why didn’t it stop on 28th??? why?? why were people still happy, still smiling while we sat in the car after the ultrasound, weeping?

i just want answers. how do we move on? last weekend was a blur. youngest one turned 5 and we had to concentrate on him. on giving him a good a party… i just wanted to scream. a few days ago, he sat down next to me, patted my tummy and said ‘good baby, cute baby’…..

fck!!!!!!!!!

i broke down. literally broke down. we haven’t told him yet… how do you tell a 5 year old that the baby died????

WHY?????????

i read and i cry. my last post… 9 weeks. huh. its been so, so long. almost a month and my life, our life, just seemed to stop.

life was good. really, my belly was growing and we were so excited. on friday, 28 August we had out 12 week ultrasound…

i still cry. its only been a week. i want to scream. i want to curse and shout and break things.

our little bub, our little walnut died. died and i didn’t even know that. me, the mum, didnt know that the bub died. i feel like i failed.

i had d/c on thursday and its still all a blur. why? why us? why? was it something i ate? something i did?? why? why? why? why?????????

my DP has been nothing but utterly, utterly strong, and good and just unbelievable. he held me, he cried with me, he helped me after my d/c, he didn’t make a big deal when my bleeding started after the surgery. he is my world right now.

there were no signs at all. no bleeding, no cramps. we went for our first ultrasound, to hear the heartbeat and we came out hollow. we came out of it being nearly destroyed.

i feel like apart from DP, no one understands. i’m the first out of my friends to get pregnant, apart from only a small handful no one knew/knows about it….

i miss being pregnant. i miss knowing my belly was growing.

i look at pregnant women and i just cry. i look at babies and i want to cry. i cry. why not me? what did i do???? why not me???? why not us??? why??????

9??

Where did the time go? I became so busy I stopped blogging, which is a real shame. Morning sickness has well and truly set in, but its not as bad as it could’ve been. Just feeling yuck if I go for too long without food. The feeling is not just in the morning! It can strike at any time of the day. No one told me that when I signed up for this gig 😀

My partner (lets call him DP from now on) had an interesting phone call on Friday.  A friend of ours is very much into spiritual things, soul healing and all that jazz. We haven’t seen or spoken to her in months. I think it would be April since we had any contact with her.

Anyway, apparently she had an urge to call DP. She felt she had to talk to him. After a few minutes she asked him outright if I was pregnant. DP said yes etc and this friend proceeded to talk about whether its going to be a girl or a boy. She said that she has a strong sense that its both… boy and girl. That its twins!!!!

Going back to my GP tomorrow to see how if we can schedule an ultrasound over the next few weeks. Already have an appointment at the maternal services, which is so scary and so exciting!! Still in shock that I’m pregnant. On Saturday I actually bought yet ANOTHER pregnancy test… I think its 5 all up. I think when I finally get the blood tests results, it will make it all real for me.

I’m trying not to stress about the money. Its going to be hard. I love DP but money handling is not his strength. We’ll just have to work something out for 6 months…

7 weeks

7 weeks

I’m still in utter shock. 7!

I don’t know when the shock will wear off. May be during my 1st appointment at the hospital? I honestly don’t know.

On Sunday, following all the excitement with my dear boy, we went over to my folks place to tell them the good news.

I didn’t really know what to expect but the love and care they showed and continue to show, has been pretty awesome!

I can’t help but go online and have a sneak peak into various forums but I’m worried about being overwhelmed with information, with stories of miscarriage and still births and I get emotional. I cry and I can’t stop myself. I look how courageous some people are and I don’t know how I would cope.

People have tried to tell me stories about their births, how they tore from here to there. How they screamed and begged. How much pain they were in.

I’ve started to tell people off. Its MY birth and it will be how I want it to be. I don’t want poeple to freak me out. Its a special time and I need to prepare myself and my body.

My Boy told me that my mother and prob my mother in law will be there to ‘support’ me and I said… NO.

NO

NO

NO

My birth. My plan. My way. I’m only 7 weeks but I know I only want my partner and the midwife there. No one else. Parents can come and see the baby after its born. My birth. My way.

I know he doesn’t understand, but again, he doesn’t need to. My birth. My way.

I was told ‘you’ll be naked for all to see’ and that made me really quite upset. I’m shy with my body and I honestly hate being told that when you’re in labour, you don’t care. I will. I know myself. It freaks me out.

I think when it comes to labour and birth, I’m going to just stick my fingers in my ears and sing.

I want support. I want encouragement. I don’t want to get freaked out by tears and pooping in front of all your relations!!

on friday 12.30am

On Friday at 12.30am my world nearly stopped. The words ‘Babe, I think I need to go to the hospital’ still make me shudder.

Its hard to explain what happened. One minute the Boy was fine, the next….the next…. the next his head felt like it was going to explode, he couldn’t see properly and his leg was jerking so violently he was in agony.

I did what I had to do. I called ambos, I packed his bag, I found his wallet and I just held him. He had no colour. He wasn’t breathing right. A thought crossed my mind that I will loose him. That I’m 6 weeks pregnant and I will loose him.

He had a CT scan of his brain, a CT angio and a lumbar puncture. I held it all pretty well together till after the lumbar puncture. He did so well, even if he was pretty much out of it. Until….

Until it was almost over when his vital plummeted and he quietly muttered to me ‘i dont feel so good’. He lost all colour. The heart rate when down to 35 and pulse ox to 82. I held it together.

I held it together till he was back with us. Till he was back to snoozing happily. When I sat down in my chair and just wept. I was scared and so very tired. But the moment passed and I was back looking after my boy, father of this little being growing inside of me.

He’ll be ok. Will have more tests today. We’ll get through this together.